One of the preschool mums had a baby about a week ago and brought him to along when she dropped her daughter off and the sight of this teeny-tiny little baby made my heart ache, even though I know we are done having kids.
How do we know? I just do. I always wanted to have at least two children and fairly close in age – there is 9 year gap between my sister and I and a 14 year gap between my brother (my parents had me at 19, so very young and my siblings are from their subsequent second marriages) and I wanted to avoid that if possible! The gap between my two boys is 6 weeks shy of three years. Originally, I wanted that gap even smaller but it worked out really well in the end. Incidentally, its pretty much the same gap between my husband and his brother!
But anyway, Mr Raucous and I have had plenty of discussions about having another child. I think if he could have had another, he would, but realistically, I am 4 years older than him so I am now 38. We’ve been extremely fortunate that we’ve never had to deal with a loss and that I have had two relatively easy pregnancies. I fell pregnant straight away with our first and yes, it took a while longer with our second, but it still happened. The older I get, that more that window starts to close, the likelihood of complications increases. We are happy with two, two beautiful boys. Two is more than some people dare to dream of. No, I don’t feel the need to try for a girl, I am happy with my boys thank you very much! And anyway, I have always felt I was never destined for a girl, if I was to fall pregnant again it would be another boy! I am lucky I have some amazing nieces and family friends with fierce, strong, spirited girls I can dote on whenever I want. Financially as well, we could cope with more but two means they can experience more and we can provide more than we could if we had to split it out again over three or more.
But knowing you’re done, doesn’t stop you heart aching when you see a tiny baby and knowing you won’t get to experience that newborn stage. Every first you experience, is now a last. Last first smile, last first tooth, last first steps… the ache is there but I am done. The transition from one to two was a roller coaster. If we feel the need to expand our family, we’d look to adopt or foster, there are so many children out there without homes and we could offer that. I am also acutely aware that we are in a privileged position to decide that for ourselves, we haven’t had the decision taken away by infertility or illness.
But yes. Your tiny babies make me broody, but I am definitely done and I am going to savour the last few months of The Littlests babyhood.
How about you, did you make a conscious decision or did you leave it up to fate?