TRIGGER WARNING: In depth discussion about eating disorders, negative thinking, talk of dieting.
So Eating Disorder Awareness week is coming to a close, and it almost passed me by, as I have been a little insular lately. Back in January I posted how I was going to make 2019 the year I completely eliminate dieting from my life once and for all, in order to try and finally knock my binge eating disorder on the head. Let me tell you, it gets worse before it gets better.
As with any addiction, that addiction is going to fight back. It wants to keep you down, it doesn’t want you to win – it wants you to rely on it forever. The pattern of the last 20 or so years of my life have gone like this; binge eat, have have periods of restriction or extreme dieting. End up completely losing control and intense periods of binging. End up bigger than I was before. Repeat. Constantly.
Therapy showed me that the restriction part of this scenerio was just as damaging as the binging. It’s taken me a long time to accept that fact. And I am struggling with it.
At the minute, although to the outside world I am the same old me, I am battling hard. I didn’t want to go out at the weekend because I thought my family would be embarrassed of the way I looked and I have been having those thoughts a lot. I can’t look at myself in a full length mirror. My body repulses me. I have been in exercise classes and all I want to do leave; my brain is telling me what’s the point, you are going to fail at this, you shouldn’t be doing this, everyone is laughing at you even thinking you can be anything other than what you are. My thoughts are constantly with food. This is definitely my eating disorder at its worst.
My brain is telling me, rejoin Slimming World. You know it help to lose weight, go on, do it for a little bit to get you back on track and help you shift the recent binge weight. It’s saying, go on, add the My Fitness Pal app back to your phone, just track for a bit, so you are more accountable. Go on a juice detox, just for a week. Do it. Do it. I feel like my body and brain are trying to see how far I will go until I crack and I start the cycle again.
It’s exhausting. Physically, mentally. I have had to check out a little and step back from the blog / social media as I try to steady the ship.
I know that eventually, that urge to diet will go. And I know, once it does, the emotion side of my eating disorder will be easier to handle. Intuitive eating and exercise is key to being kind to my body and mind. Not being hung up on numbers on a scale.
I have 20 years to unpick. It was never going to be something I cured overnight. I just need to whether the storm and wait for it to pass. I am not prepared to enter another decade of my life held captive by food.
I didn’t mean for this blog to be so deep, I feel like I bare a little bit too much sometimes when it comes to talking about this, but at the same time I think it’s important to talk about. If any of this resonates with anyone, you’re not alone.
One day, I’ll get there. One day, food wont have this power over me. I’m just taking the scenic route.